I was asked to write a short biography announcing my employment for the company's annual report. This is what I came up with.

Omniscient, Adorable Baby Joins the Team

On a hot, sticky day in the summer of 2009, everyone in downtown Madison, Wisconsin heard a sonic boom and saw an impossibly bright white light. The city quickly slid into chaos for all who had witnessed the phenomenon had gone deaf and blind.

The people in this office were the first to recover the use of their ears when they simultaneously heard the most delicate, dulcet song coming from Room 315. They were the first to gain their sight back as they instantly laid eyes upon the singer: a tiny, pink fat baby girl, sitting in the office chair. This baby would inexplicably make it known that she should be referred to as Jessie.

The staff intuitively knew that they must care for this wondrous child. Whoever held her was rewarded with feelings of perfect contentment, but also the horrifying knowledge that she could obliterate their soul at any moment. The staff nurtured her on a diet of white-out, toner, and other office supplies and within weeks, she had grown to full womanhood.

To look into Jessie’s eyes is to know complete bliss and pure terror of the unknown. She is an Excel wizard and currently coordinates the office in several dimensions.